What's your label?

I've been recently reading Doctor William Sears, The good behavior book which mentions the dangers of labeling children, it says "Every child searches for an identity and, when found, clings to it like a trademark." which got me thinking of how we label and perceive ourselves and other people.

All too often I meet new people who instantly give me their label for example vegetarian/vegan and so on. What happens if that label that defines us is the thing that constrains us and could it stop people from looking past the initial label?

I am sure we could all write a list of labels for ourselves, positive and negative. For example, what happens if someone labeled "brainy" fails an exam. Is there a pressure to live up to that label? Even a positive label can have a negative impact and can stop children from fulfilling their full potential and could even prevent a child from trying, just in case they fail.

This is fine but what happens if that label is one given by other people, such as parents or relatives. For example dyslexia or ADHD, from my experience people cling to labels for security even if these labels are not positive. Could the label itself prevent a person from fulfilling their full potential?

I intend to be proactive in preventing any labels being associated with my child especially negative ones, because I believe they can do more damage than good.

So homework for today is to describe yourself and your family and ask where those labels come from and if those labels could become a crutch?

Paper Doves

I have to admit when I first read about the idea of paper doves, here they looked quite a faff and I wasn't sure if they were worth the effort. Then last Friday Edward spent the day fussing and it was an ideal opportunity to try them out. I have to say I am really impressed with the results, I've made enough to go across the room and they look beautiful and really add something to the room. So I am off to try the popcorn garland and reserve judgment this time!

Second attempt at the Christmas pudding

I am afraid the first pudding failed, it didn't cook properly!! So I am making another one with a Jamie Oliver recipe. Here goes...


• A large knob of softened butter
• 100g self raising flour
• 150g fresh white breadcrumbs
• large pinch of salt
• ½ nutmeg, finely grated
• 1 teaspoon mixed spice
• large pinch of cinnamon
• 150g shredded vegetable suet
• 200g soft brown dark sugar
• 100g currants
• 100g sultanas
• 200g raisons
• 100g mixed peel, finely chopped
• 1 heaped tbsp flaked almonds
• 1 small bramley apple, peeled
• 1 small carrot, grated
• Zest & juice of 1 large orange
• 200ml stout
• 3 large eggs
• 1 tbsp black treacle

1. Butter a 1.2 litre pudding basin. Weigh out all of your dry ingredients and put in to a large mixing bowl – when making puddings, because there are lots of ingredients, it is a good idea to tick everything off so as not to leave anything out. Grate in the whole apple, carrot and orange zest.

2. In a large jug measure out the stout, add the eggs and beat thoroughly together, then squeeze in the juice or the orange, add the black treacle and mix well.

3. Now pour the wet ingredients over the dry ingredients, mixing very well with a large wooden spoon – its tradition to get the whole family to have a stir and make a wish.

4. Spoon the mixture in to the pudding basin and pack it in tightly. Cover with a double sheet of baking paper, with a fold in the middle to allow for expansion, then cover with a sheet of foil and tie securely with some string. I've put mine in the slow cooker on High.

5. When the pudding is cooked, remove the paper and foil, tip away any water, allow to cool completely then replace with new greaseproof and foil, tying with string. This is now ready for reheating thoroughly on Christmas Day, so keep it somewhere cool and dark for up to a month.

If this doesn't work, I am off to the shops to buy one!!!

Christmas chutney

Today I am going to try and make Christmas chutney, because I have a whole array of interesting ingredients left from the Christmas pudding, I didn't have to buy very much in order to make it.

Ingredients

• 450g/1lb onions, peeled and chopped

• 5 tbsp water

• 900g/2lb cooking apples, peeled, cored and chopped

• 700g/1½ pears, peeled, cored and chopped

• 85g/3oz dates, stoned and chopped

• 570ml/1 pint cider vinegar

• 1 tsp salt

• 1 tsp ground cinnamon

• 1 tsp cayenne powder

• 225g/8oz sugar

Preparation method

1. Put the onions and the water in a large heavy-based pan. Bring to the boil and simmer until soft.

1. Add the apples and pears and continue cooking gently for 15-20 minutes. Add the dates, salt, spices and half the vinegar. Cook, stirring occasionally until the mixture thickens.

2. Add the sugar and the rest of the vinegar, stirring until the sugar dissolves. Continue to simmer until the chutney becomes really thick, which in my case has taken around 5 hours!
   

4. When ready, pot and seal in sterilised jars and leave to mature for a week or longer.

Taken from BBC food

Christmas pudding

This year Edward is going to eat/throw his first Christmas dinner and I am very excited about this, so to ensure he can participate fully in the Christmas traditions I am making a sugar free Christmas pudding. Although I know that the ingredients below cost a lot more than a shop bought pudding I think I'm getting just as much enjoyment from making the pudding as I will serving it and eating it!

Here are the instructions.

Ingredients

Dry ingredients

• 100g/3½oz raisins
  

• 100g/3½oz currants
  

• 50g/2oz sultanas
  

• 50g/2oz prunes, chopped

• 50g/2oz apricots chopped
  

• 25g/¾oz fresh or dried mixed peel

• 50g/2oz flaked almonds
  

• 150g/5oz fresh pear, puréed in a food processor, with the skin on

• 1 level teaspoon each of ground ginger and cinnamon

• ½ level teaspoon ground mace
  

• 25g/1oz vegetable or meat suet

Wet ingredients

• 2 eggs
  

• 150ml/5fl oz of apple or pear juice

For the flour

• 100g plain flour
  

Preparation method

1. Mix all the dry ingredients together in a large bowl.

2. Beat the eggs (if you are using them) with the juice and brandy if you are using it and stir it into the dry mixture.

3. Sieve the flours together with the baking powder (if you are using it instead of the eggs).

4. Fold the flour very thoroughly into the fruit.

5. Spoon the mixture into a pudding basin, cover with doubled greaseproof paper and tie with a string or rubber bands.

6. Put the basin in a deep pan, pour in water to halfway up the bowl, cover the pan tightly and simmer for 4-5 hours, checking the water level periodically.

7. Remove basin from the pot, discard the greaseproof paper and cover it with new. Allow to cool, then store in a cool larder.

8. To serve, re-steam for 1-2 hours or reheat in a microwave for 3-5 minutes.

Unfortunately I've left it too late to cook it today, as it needs simmering for 4-5 hours, but I intend to cook it first thing tomorrow morning so I will let you know how it goes!

Christmas countdown

I am officially starting to feel Christmassy, after a few tough weeks of having a poorly boy I didn't have the energy to think about Christmas but we've had a few good days so I've managed to catch up with a friends blog and join her in her Christmas countdown.

I tried the dried oranges first and burnt most of them, although the house smelt nice in the process. Here is the recipe.

I then made the mince meat for the first time in my life, which should be ready in one week. It's very easy and smells lovely. Recipe.

I've also made an pomander which is new to me, apparently it drys out leaving a lovely smell and can be used in wardrobes to keep clothes moth free. Here is the recipe.

Then I made the Cinnamon bundles, very easy and looks beautiful on my Christmas tree. Recipe.

If you want any more inspiration I recommend reading this blog, the good enough parent.

Coping tips

Over the past few weeks Edward has been teething and suffering from a cold/cough. This has been tough on us all because he hasn't been sleeping and feeding very well. When you're in the middle of a tough time it seems to last forever, and it's hard to imagine things ever being different. The house starts to look dirty around the edges because I didn't have the time to clean the kitchen floor/wash the sink, and in between Edward sleeping I didn't have the energy to start cleaning. I've had to carry Edward every where because he wouldn't be put down and has been constantly moaning, which I know is because he's been in pain. It's horrible to think that my baby is suffering and there is nothing I can do to stop the pain, I felt so helpless. I also felt that we had lost some of our connection, I couldn't wait to hand him over at the end of the day, which sounds a terrible thing to say about my own child.

Here are a few tips I have picked up along the way on how to cope when things get tough.

• Don't plan anything, then you won't feel disappointed if nothing gets achieved.
• Let go of the house work. House work can wait, even if it's getting really bad.
• Wear your baby in a sling, if you can.
• Email a sympathetic friend. I am really lucky to have a few good friends living relatively close by and they are a god send when things get tough.
• Go for a walk, things feel much better after some fresh air.
• Have a cup of tea.

Luckily this weekend we've had a breakthrough and Edward has had a good couple of days, which allows me to realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We've started to reconnect again and properly play with each other, I've actually enjoyed his company for the first time in weeks. I don't think his teething has properly ended, I suspect the pain comes in waves, but I almost need to give myself permission to let go of the house work and ask for help when it's needed. Here is another link that has inspired me Authentic parenting

Praise

I've read an article recently about praise and it has made me think very deeply about how I praise Edward and what I am expecting to achieve. If he does something that pleases me I give him an abundance of praise, for example saying a new word or crawling for the first time. But what happens if he comes to rely on praise to build his self esteem?

As I am writing this blog I've been showing my husband, who appears non-plussed, which leads to me feeling desperately insecure, which I know is silly. I also need praise because my own opinion isn't good enough, what happens if he grows up to be like me and comes to expect or need other peoples encouragement to build his own self esteem? I don't think this is a positive thing and it's something I need to really think about. I want Edward to be comfortable in himself and to be able to build his own self worth. If I continue to praise every tiny thing that he does, will he come to rely on that?

Engrossed

Following from my previous post, I am writing this blog at 23:49 exactly, I've been writing for an hour. My husband wants to go to bed and I am not ready to. If he demanded we went to bed at the same time I would quite rightly be angry. This must be how Edward feels every day when I stop him from climbing off the edge of the bed to explore or pull him out of the bath too early. As far as he's concerned he is going about his business and someone randomly puts a stop to it. It must be really frustrating and especially as he doesn't have the vocabulary to explain how he feels. I need to take this into consideration from now on and remember how it feels to be dragged away from something that I am engrossed in. I must go to bed now....

Becoming a Parent

Edward is becoming ever more adventurous each day, and with this comes new challenges as he discovers the world around him. I now find myself in new territory, not only do I need to be his mother, but also his parent. I can do the mothering bit, that has come easily, but the parenting role has added a new dimension.

I find this particularly hard when in the company of other parents and children, because Edward likes to snatch toys, like all babies he wants what the other baby has got. I find myself apologising for his behavior not knowing if I should step in and retrieve the object, or let it pass and let them sort it out for themselves. If I snatch, surely I am taking the same action that Edward has just done, how can I lead by example. Sometimes the other parent intervenes and I watch as the object gets snatched out of his tiny grasp, how can a lesson be learned from this? He has no concept of right or wrong and he definitely doesn't understand what I am saying.

I am trying to swap the item for a new one, this seems to be the trick. But I am starting to realise that to parent Edward I need to first put myself in his shoes.

Unwanted advice

These days I am finding myself constantly having to bite my lip from well meaning friends and family offering unwanted advice, so I thought I would write down their advice and the response I would have liked to have given:

"Why don't you leave him to moan?" (this was by a well meaning friend because I respond to Edward immediately rather than letting him cry.) Because if I leave him to moan, next time he wants attention he will cry to get it. At the moment he moans or coughs and this is enough to get mummy's attention.

"He could be just moaning to get attention". Well that's good enough for me, he's got it.

"Why don't you give him juice?" Instead of my breast milk, which do you think is better? If I introduce juice he might completely refuse to drink water and breast milk.

"Are you still feeding him? Will you be poking them through the gates at school?". Breast milk doesn't become useless because he's over 6 months old and I am hoping he will be home schooled, so no gates will be in the way.

"Doesn't your back hurt using the sling?" No, I've carried him since he was a few months old and I am used to his weight, as his weight has increased, so has my strength.

"When will you end co-sleeping?" When Edward can walk from his bed to mine in the middle of the night, if he needs me.

When people give well meaning advice I try not to take it personally but I feel that they are directly trying to tell me I am doing something wrong and if I try and defend myself I am going to end up insulting them, so I end up biting my lip and wishing I had said something different, but they often make it personal by telling me stories of how they did/do it. It's a difficult line to tread!

SAHM

While I was pregnant the idea of being a SAHM terrified me, I mean what would I say at parties if anyone asked what I did for a living? How would I be able to justify my existence without a job title to define me? It wasn't an option, I was defiantly going back to work and full time too. I had worked hard to get where I was as an IT manager and nothing was going to stand in the way of that. I now call this BE (before Edward)

AE (after Edward was born) I soon realised how crazy the above sounds as I instantly fell in love with my tiny baby boy. The full time position soon became a part time request and within a few months I had handed in my notice. Why, because I've come to realise there is more to this parenting role, I hesitate to call it a job because that implies work and Edward defiantly isn't that. It's not just about wiping his bum and getting him dressed, no, there is a whole world out there to explore and I want to help him do it. He fascinates me every single day as he learns a new skill and I love watching him grow. I am never bored, in fact I've started a vegetable patch, learnt how to knit, sew (although quite badly) still breastfeed and cook homemade food. I've learnt so many new skills, which I can hopefully pass down to Edward when he is old enough. I've never been so happy and contented and free. We practice attachment parenting, which seems to fit with my families ethos. So what do I say if anyone asks me, I proudly say I am Edward's mummy.
Here are some of the projects I've worked on!

Edward's Easter costume

Jam from blackberry picking and Marmalade

Jam from blackberry picking

Bread

Knitting

Good baby?

Often people ask me if Edward is a good baby and I never know how to answer this. I even find myself describing Edward as a "good baby" not really understanding what I mean.

To start this post I need to explore what "Good" and 'Bad" mean. Both links are quite long but I basically cannot imagine Edward fitting the description of "bad". The only description I can see attached to children is "Informal: Disobedient or naughty" Edward has no concept of "good" or "bad". He's a baby, he hasn't the capacity to understand what that means, he is only acting on what he needs. To say he is "good" is saying that is has the capacity to be "bad" and I like I've said before Edward is not capable of either.

I am assuming that the reason we need to label a child dates back from the Victorian era when children were expected to be "seen and not heard, or preferably not seen and not heard" Quote Aunt Emma, Railway Children. (I know this lady is a fictional character!) It comes from the same concept that babies are born evil and need to be broken, by letting them cry it out. If Edward cries, it's because he needs me, not because he is trying to manipulate me or be naughty. Even if those needs are "I am bored or lonely". They are just as important as "I have a dirty nappy". They're his emotional needs, which are just as important as his physical ones.

If you believe a baby is capable of being "good" or "bad" this can surely only lead to resentment?
If a baby isn't doing what you want them to do, then you'd believe the baby is choosing to be like that. And it's only natural to feel resentment towards someone who is going against your wishes. Like I've said before, labels can lead to a self fulfilled prophecy, which is hardly ever a positive thing, surely we want our children to grow up to be themselves, not just a label.

Treading water

I have days, like most mothers when it feels like we're treading water and getting no where fast. Edward has never been a baby that communicates through crying (apart from in the first months). He quickly realised that all he had to do was cough to get my attention. Yes, I am a "helicopter parent" hovering over him with willing arms ready to dive in and rescue him as soon as he is in trouble.

Today he just seemed to want to moan at me, not content with being distracted, I believe he's teething and struggling with the heat. I know I am.
I took him to Rhyme time but could barely let him out of my arms, instinct took over and I knew he needed to be held and nursed often. We also went to the play farm and he was contented for a while, but pretty soon he needed his mummy again. That's fine by me because this is what I am here for.

The weather has been perfect today, not too hot or cold, so I took the opportunity to go to the park with Edward and sit in the sunshine. We don't have grass in our garden so whenever I can I try and take Edward outside to feel the grass on his bum. Unfortunately shortly after the first picture was taken a Great Dalmatian came up and stole Edward's toy. He didn't seem to mind and started to eat grass instead.

The blanket game

When Edward was tiny, he wouldn't sleep and I was so desperately tired. Yes, even co-sleeping can't guarantee you will always have a peaceful nights sleep.
One night I put my blanket over our heads to make it darker, only to discover that the fleece blanket let different shades of light in. Seeing his excited face, instantly calmed me, there is nothing more special than seeing a happy smiley baby (even with less than two hours sleep). Edward was amazed and so this started a new game that we play almost every day and mostly initiated by him. I had to record this today in the photos above, because it is so beautiful and I would hate to forget these precious moments.

Self fulfilling prophecy

I was reading a blog the other day about people in the UK being very negative about child rearing. It's almost like if we focus on the positives, we're bragging.

I completly agree, Edward is such a delight and the most happiest boy I've ever met, but do I dare say this to anyone? No, because as soon as I do I am reminded not to speak too soon, just in case he turns bad. It can't be all good, was one of the comments, which immediately made me try and find something negative to say. I believe that if a child is labeled "naughty" then this can be a self fulfilling prophecy.

When Edward was a new baby, he cried constantly and I remember clearly being told he was a screamer and a potential difficult baby. I was so determined this would not be the way, that I hid how much I was struggling from the world and only admitted the positive things. And guess what, Edward has turned into a delight, I wonder if this was a self fulfilling prophecy too. I am sure it is.

No more biting

I am so relieved to be writing this post, Edward hasn't bitten me for a few days now. It must have been teething related because one tooth has popped through.

Next time we have a few days of biting I can re-read my previous post and rely on the fact that the biting won't last forever. I am so glad we've come through that problem because I love breastfeeding so much. Nothing can beat the intimacy and closeness of feeding my baby. Like any relationship, we've had our ups and downs, but the good times have returned and it was well worth persevering.

Breastfeeding getting tough (again)

Hello again,

Breastfeeding has suddenly got tough, Edward is nine months old now with four teeth and he's had me in tears when he bites me. Some people say maybe he doesn't want feeding, but I am sure he does and once he has bitten me I try and put him down, which makes him cry because he really wants a feed.

A friend said I should promptly push his face into my boob so he releases. Which I do, but if I let him back on he instantly bites me again. I can't help but make a slight noise because it hurts. This is a huge problem, I dread feeding him now, which is not good in this hot weather. Just writing this down is upsetting me because I love him so much and want to continue feeding him myself.

Note to self I need to find support on Monday about this problem.

"A very hungry baby"

Edward 1 day old

This picture reminds me of the early days when Edward fed every twenty minutes and for hours at a time. I think he would be considered "a very hungry baby". It was hard work and I can honestly say without the support of my husband I would have given up. We stayed in hospital for a week after his birth and Edward would only sleep snuggled up next to my breast. So that is where he stayed and I stayed awake for a week unwilling to let him cry in a cot. My only salvation was when my husband arrived with a willing pair of arms so I could catch an hour's sleep. He would distract him for as long as possible, so I could sleep.

Drawing a line

After a series of events recently, I've decided not to go back to work and become a full time mummy instead. It wasn't a difficult decision at all really, I think becoming a mother changes you in ways you could never imagine. All I have to do is look at my ever changing little boy and I know I could never leave him.

We had a really rough night last night and I am not stressed at all, because I know we can eventually nap later and make it up, but if I was working full time I would be really moody now and resenting Edward. This would have changed our relationship.

I would have had to rush his breakfast and getting him dressed, even if he was crying. Argue with Charlie, this would be inevitable because we would both be stressed. Then if we were running late, we would have had to rush Edward to nursery with hardly any time to kiss him goodbye for the day. This would break my heart but I would have been so exhausted. Then I would be making silly mistakes at work and have my boss breathing down my neck about that also.
Yes, we've made the right decision!

I worry about money and surviving on one wage, what happens if my husband loses his job, how would we cope? I am going to try and be frugal with money, this isn't a skill I have at the moment, so I'm looking for some inspiration.

Things I do to save money

Use reusable nappies
Walk everywhere
Shop for food online
Breastfeed

Co-sleeping

I have an 8 month old son and I have been co-sleeping with him since he was about 2 weeks old. It has been an amazing journey that started out purely to get some extra sleep. I am convinced that mother and child should not be separated at night, for the reasons I am listing below:

• It helps babies thrive! Edward eats just as much at night and spends longer at the breast, therefore getting more hind-milk, the fatty stuff (also good for brain development).

• It's the kindest thing to do. We often put Edward to bed earlier than us and sometimes he wakes up crying. During the evening we respond to him very quickly, but if this happened at night, it would be terrible, for all of us. This way I can respond to him quickly and appropriately.

• I have a huge problem with what feels like dumping Edward in a cot and leaving him there. Even with a baby monitor it will still feel like I am abandoning him. At the moment he wakes up a tiny bit and I feed him back to sleep, if he was in a different room, we would both have to wake up fully, which would mean we would both get less sleep. Unless we're willing to let him cry it out or force feed him food to fill him up, both of which we are not willing to do.
  

• Edward sleeps better. He sleeps lighter than I do, so if he wakes up, he knows he's not alone and goes back to sleep or has a feed. I'm sure we share similar sleep cycles as I often wake up at the same time as him. We sleep in harmony.

• I tend to stay close to Edward during the day, I don't see why I should parent him differently at night. We've chosen to follow the attachment parenting method and we're happy with this choice because it feels natural to us.
  

• It's good for my marriage. Yes I know that might sound strange, but because we all get a good nights sleep the house is a happier place to be.

• We are a happy family and very happy in our decision to co-sleep. Edward can decide when he wants to go to his big boy bed, I can assure you that he won't be sleeping with
  us when he is 15. Edward is the most contented boy I've ever met, so we must be doing something right!

• Marriage. Yes I know people must be thinking what about my marriage, it is fine thank you, as I said before Edward goes to bed early, so we get plenty of adult time alone.